The Misleading Claim in Netflix’s A Toxic Love Story

Content note: This article discusses sexual assault, forced-sex fantasies, consensual non-consent and BDSM safety.

TL;DR

Forced-sex fantasies have been reported by both women and men, but estimates vary widely depending on the study and how the fantasy is defined.
Having this fantasy does not mean someone wants to act it out, and it never means they want to be sexually assaulted in real life.
Consensual non-consent, or CNC, is adult roleplay based on explicit, informed and continuously withdrawable consent. It must never be introduced as a surprise.
CNC carries serious emotional, physical and legal risks. Safewords are not a complete safety system, and strangulation cannot be made medically safe through consent.

In Netflix’s documentary A Toxic Love Story, someone says, “The rape fantasy is common.”

That comment is incomplete and can be misleading. We feel it is necessary to provide more data on this topic because this incomplete statement could lead to harmful assumptions or actions.

Research has found that a large number of people have experienced a forced-sex fantasy, but the definitions of the forced-sex fantasy are different for different people and there is no single reliable conclusion of the percentage. The results change depending on who was studied, how researchers defined the fantasy and whether they asked about an occasional thought, a frequent fantasy or something a person wanted to experience.

The documentary’s criminal case is also not an example of responsibly practised consensual non-consent. The U.S. Department of Justice described a scheme involving deception, online advertisements, staged assaults and an attempt to frame an innocent woman. When people are misled about the identities, circumstances or purpose of an encounter, informed consent is missing. This is neither healthy BDSM nor consensual fantasy play.

How Many People Have Forced-Sex Fantasies?

A review of earlier studies found that approximately 31% to 57% of women had experienced fantasies involving being forced into sex. Only 9% to 17% described them as frequent or favourite fantasies. The authors also emphasized that different studies used different definitions.

A later study of 355 female university students reported a higher figure: 62% had experienced some form of forced-sex fantasy. However, that was a student sample and should not be treated as representative of all women.

A broader Quebec study of 1,516 adults found that 28.9% of women and 30.7% of men had fantasized about being forced to have sex. Broader fantasies about sexual domination were more prevalent: 64.6% of women and 53.3% of men reported them. The researchers nevertheless acknowledged that their volunteer sample was not fully representative of the population.

A more careful conclusion is not simply “rape fantasy is common.” It is this:

Forced-sex fantasies have been reported by substantial proportions of both women and men, but estimates vary widely and fantasy is not the same as real-life desire or behaviour.

A Fantasy Does Not Mean Someone Wants to Be Assaulted

This may be the most important point in this article: imagining forced sex does not necessarily mean someone wants to act out the fantasy, and it certainly does not mean they want forced-sex in real life.

A contemporary scientific review concluded that what people fantasize about is not necessarily the same as what they want or do in person.

Fantasies also differ emotionally. In the study of female students, 45% of the reported fantasies were completely erotic, 46% contained both erotic and aversive feelings and 9% were completely aversive.

A private fantasy allows the person imagining it to control the characters, intensity and ending. An actual sexual assault takes that control away. Being assaulted is never simply a fantasy “coming true,” and knowing that someone once had a forced-sex fantasy is never evidence of consent.

Why Might Someone Find the Fantasy Appealing?

There is no single explanation, and I do not think we should diagnose someone based on what happens inside their imagination.

A study evaluating the major theories found that women who reported these fantasies tended to have greater sexual openness, comfort with fantasy and erotophilia, a generally positive orientation toward sexuality. Some also reported fantasies about being intensely desirable. The older theory that women use forced-sex fantasies to avoid guilt about wanting sex received much less support.

Depending on the person, the appeal might involve:

Feeling overwhelmingly wanted.
Temporarily surrendering responsibility or decision-making.
Exploring power, taboo, novelty or emotional intensity.
Experiencing apparent loss of control within an imagined world they actually control.
Exploring vulnerability with a deeply trusted partner.

For some survivors, trauma may influence later fantasies involving force, submission or dominance. However, the research shows an association, not proof that trauma caused a particular fantasy. A fantasy is not evidence that someone was abused, and consensual non-consent should never be presented as trauma treatment.

What Is Consensual Non-Consent?

Consensual non-consent, or CNC, is adult roleplay that simulates coercion or resistance after all participants have explicitly agreed to the scenario and its limits.

The resistance may be fictional, but the consent must be real, informed and continuously withdrawable. A partner, dating profile, previous encounter or third party cannot provide that consent on someone else’s behalf.

A Warning for People New to Kink

CNC is not a sensible first kink activity. Start by learning whether you and your partner can discuss boundaries, hear “no” without pressure and stop comfortably when something changes.

Never introduce a CNC scene as a surprise. Do not involve strangers recruited online, and do not attempt it when someone is intoxicated, asleep, unconscious or otherwise unable to communicate clearly.

A safeword is helpful, but it is not a complete safety system. People can freeze, panic, dissociate or become unable to speak. If someone becomes confused, unusually quiet, unresponsive or distressed, stop, even if they have not used the safeword.

Before exploring kink, read Velora’s guides to talking about kinks without fear of judgment, creating a Yes, No, Maybe List and applying a healthy BDSM framework.

Strangulation Requires a Separate Warning

Strangulation, often called “choking” should not be treated as a normal part of CNC.

Strangulation can restrict airflow or blood flow to the brain. Medical researchers warn that there is no medically safe method, even when the person remains conscious or initially agrees. Potential effects include neurological symptoms, vascular injury, brain injury and death. Read the medical warning about sexual choking and research on its reported health effects.

Consent can make an activity consensual. It cannot make strangulation medically safe.

A Warning for Experienced BDSM Practitioners

Experience should create more respect for uncertainty, not confidence that nothing will go wrong.

A survey of 2,996 members of alternative-sexuality communities found that 26% reported a nonconsensual experience in an alt-sex context. This was a self-selected sample, not a population estimate, but it demonstrates that BDSM communities are not immune to violations.

Experience, reputation, a BDSM contract or a long-term relationship never replaces ongoing consent. Safewords can still be missed or ignored, and a person may become unable or afraid to use one. Read Dunkley and Brotto’s review of BDSM consent.

Aftercare cannot retroactively turn a violation into consensual play. If you cannot welcome your partner changing their mind, do not begin the scene.

Canadian and U.S. Legal Notes

In Canada, sexual consent must be voluntary, specific and present when the activity occurs. Another person cannot consent on someone’s behalf, and consent is absent when someone is unconscious, incapable of consenting or communicates that they no longer agree. Read section 273.1 of Canada’s Criminal Code.

In the United States, sexual assault and consent laws vary across federal, tribal and state jurisdictions. The U.S. Department of Justice defines sexual assault as a nonconsensual sexual act prohibited by applicable law, including situations in which a person lacks capacity to consent. A CNC label or previous agreement should never be assumed to provide blanket legal protection. Read the U.S. Department of Justice overview.

These notes provide general education, not individual legal advice.

Fantasy Is Not Permission

People should be able to discuss complicated fantasies without being shamed or treated as though imagination equals intention. But curiosity, prevalence and experience should never be confused with consent or safety.

Look forward to Velora’s next articles, where we will examine how common BDSM fantasies and practices actually are, followed by a closer look at different BDSM activities and the distinct benefits, risks and safety considerations associated with each.

Sources

Netflix. A Toxic Love Story.
Website: https://www.netflix.com/title/81923353
U.S. Department of Justice. “Former Deputy U.S. Marshal Sentenced for Cyberstalking, Perjury, and Obstruction.” June 30, 2023.
Website: https://www.justice.gov/archives/opa/pr/former-deputy-us-marshal-sentenced-cyberstalking-perjury-and-obstruction
Critelli, Joseph W., and Jenny M. Bivona. “Women’s Erotic Rape Fantasies: An Evaluation of Theory and Research.” The Journal of Sex Research, vol. 45, no. 1, 2008, pp. 57–70.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490701808191
Bivona, Jenny M., and Joseph W. Critelli. “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” The Journal of Sex Research, vol. 46, no. 1, 2009, pp. 33–45.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490802624406
Joyal, Christian C., Amélie Cossette, and Vanessa Lapierre. “What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy?” The Journal of Sexual Medicine, vol. 12, no. 2, 2015, pp. 328–340.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12734
Lehmiller, Justin J., and Aki M. Gormezano. “Sexual Fantasy Research: A Contemporary Review.” Current Opinion in Psychology, vol. 49, 2023, article 101496.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101496
Bivona, Jenny M., Joseph W. Critelli, and Michael J. Clark. “Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Empirical Evaluation of the Major Explanations.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, vol. 41, no. 5, 2012, pp. 1107–1119.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-012-9934-6
Gewirtz-Meydan, Ateret, and Eugenia Opuda. “The Sexual Fantasies of Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors: A Rapid Review.” Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, vol. 24, no. 2, 2023, pp. 441–453.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380211030487
Kero, Katja, Hannu Lauerma, and Pia Wahlsten. “‘And Then I Got Strangled’: Dangerous Trends of Sexual Choking Among Young People.” Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica Scandinavica, vol. 105, no. 6, 2026, pp. 975–978.
Website: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC13191805/
Herbenick, Debby, et al. “Frequency, Method, Intensity, and Health Sequelae of Sexual Choking Among U.S. Undergraduate and Graduate Students.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, vol. 51, no. 6, 2022, pp. 3121–3139.
Website: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9333342/
Wright, Susan, et al. “Sexual Violence and Nonconsensual Experiences Among Alt-Sex Communities’ Members.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, vol. 37, nos. 23–24, 2022, pp. NP21800–NP21825.
Website: https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605211062999
Dunkley, Cara R., and Lori A. Brotto. “The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM.” Sexual Abuse, vol. 32, no. 6, 2020, pp. 657–678.
Website: https://med-fom-brotto.sites.olt.ubc.ca/files/2021/09/Dunkley-and-Brotto-2020-Sexual-Abuse.pdf
Government of Canada. Criminal Code, section 273.1, “Meaning of Consent.”
Website: https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/c-46/section-273.1.html
U.S. Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women. “Sexual Assault.”
Website: https://www.justice.gov/ovw/sexual-assault

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a forced-sex fantasy?

A forced-sex fantasy, more precisely described as a forced-sex fantasy, is an imagined sexual scenario involving force, coercion, resistance or loss of control. It may feel erotic, aversive or emotionally mixed, depending on the person.

How common are forced-sex fantasies?

There is no single reliable percentage. A review found that approximately 31% to 57% of women had experienced one, while 9% to 17% described it as frequent or a favourite. A Quebec study reported fantasies of being forced to have sex among 28.9% of women and 30.7% of men. Different definitions and study populations produce different results.

Does having this fantasy mean someone wants forced-sex?

No. A fantasy is not necessarily something a person wants to experience or act out. Knowing that someone has had a forced-sex fantasy is never evidence of consent to sexual activity.

What is consensual non-consent?

Consensual non-consent, or CNC, is adult roleplay that simulates coercion or resistance after everyone involved has explicitly agreed to the scenario, boundaries and stopping procedures. The resistance may be fictional, but the consent must be real and withdrawable at any moment.

Is CNC suitable for people who are new to kink?

CNC is generally not a sensible first kink activity. New partners should begin by learning to communicate boundaries, respond comfortably to “no” and stop without pressure when something changes. CNC should never involve a surprise scenario or someone who is intoxicated, asleep, unconscious or unable to communicate clearly.

Is a safeword enough to make CNC safe?

No. Safewords are useful, but people may freeze, panic, dissociate or become unable to speak. If someone becomes confused, unusually quiet, unresponsive or distressed, the scene should stop even if they have not used the safeword.

Is strangulation safe if both partners consent?

No method of strangulation is medically safe. It can restrict airflow or blood flow to the brain and may cause vascular injury, neurological damage, brain injury or death. Consent can make an activity consensual, but it cannot remove the medical danger.

Does agreeing to CNC provide legal protection?

Not necessarily. In Canada, consent must be voluntary, specific and present when the activity occurs. In the United States, consent and sexual-assault laws vary by jurisdiction. A safeword, BDSM contract, CNC label or previous agreement should never be treated as blanket legal protection.