What Is BDSM? Consent, Safety and Lessons Beyond Fifty Shades

TL;DR

BDSM includes bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism—but people may enjoy only certain parts of it.
Healthy BDSM is built on informed, ongoing, and reversible consent, along with respect, communication, and care.
From the events I attended, BDSM looked far more thoughtful and safety-focused than the cold, controlling image I had seen in Fifty Shades of Grey.
BDSM is not the same as abuse. Everyone involved retains the right to pause, change direction, or stop at any time.

When I first heard the word BDSM, my mind went straight to Fifty Shades of Grey.

What I saw did not feel sensual or safe. I saw stalking, intimidation, humiliation, force, bondage, roughness, and pain. One person seemed to hold all the power while the other gradually lost her identity. Leather, darkness, and control became mixed together with what looked to me like glamorized violence.

At the time, I assumed BDSM was dangerous.

My view began to change while I was travelling in Belgium and came across a study called Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray. It found that 46.8% of participants had tried at least one BDSM-related activity, while another 22% had experienced BDSM-related fantasies. Only 7.6% identified themselves as BDSM practitioners.

Those numbers surprised me. BDSM-related curiosity was clearly not confined to a tiny or pathological group. At that time, I had begun my work at Velora. I realized that I needed to learn more in this field. Research opened the door, but observing real BDSM communities changed my mind. Spoil alert: BDSM is nothing like what the movie Fifty Shades of Grey depicted.

What Does BDSM Actually Mean?

BDSM is an overlapping acronym for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

That definition is technically accurate, but it does not explain what healthy BDSM feels like. After reading a large amount of research, attending events, and speaking with people in the community, I would summarize healthy BDSM practice using three words: consent, respect, and care.

BDSM can involve restraint, sensation, pain, pleasure, rules, roleplay, or a negotiated exchange of power. Sometimes people use instruments. Sometimes they use only words, imagination, and agreed roles.

A person may enjoy bondage but not pain. Someone may enjoy being given instructions without wanting humiliation. Another person may switch between dominant and submissive roles.

The number of possible BDSM variations may be endless. But all these variations start with consent.

What I Saw at Two BDSM Events

A Rope Event in Canada

This event was held in a room large enough to hold 40 or more people. The room was clean, and the display of the tools showed careful consideration, including several neatly arranged padded spanking benches, a St. Andrew’s cross, sling chairs, a safety & hygiene station, and a lounge area.

Before the event began, people gathered around the lounge area chatting casually. Voices were soft, and jokes and laughter was exchanged. I could not tell who was dominant, submissive, a top, or a bottom. Everyone spoke as equals.

When the organizer announced that it was time to discuss boundaries, the mood became focused. Participants asked one another about their yes, no and maybe lists. Some took detailed notes. They discussed safewords and safe gestures in case someone could not speak clearly.

The negotiation lasted at least 15 minutes.

One couple eventually decided they were not ready and chose to observe instead of participating. Neither person looked pressured, embarrassed, or upset. The organizer commented that their decision was, in fact, a signal of successful communication.

The scene began, and a rope expert showed the techniques but did not just stop there. He went on explaining physiological reasons behind some of the sensations. Another interesting thing I noticed was that it was often the submissive partner who said, “Let’s end now,” or “I think I’m good.” Sometimes the dominant partner ended the scene too. Either person could stop.

After the scene, people's voices became soft again and I could hear them asking each other, "How was that? Are you okay? Did you enjoy it?" That looked nothing like the coldness I had expected.

A Fully Clothed Event in China

At an event I attended in China, everyone was required to remain fully clothed. Leg spreaders were among the main instruments that day, and some had bells attached. The organizer, known as "Shifu" in Chinese, started the event by emphasizing safety. She introduced two concepts which were circulation & nerve safety and physical stability. Her message was that safety could never be overridden.

The event dialed up the heat in the room. People were visibly excited by the movement, the sound, and anticipation. Yet I could hear people asking questions, "Are you feeling numb? Are you stable?"

During one scene, a participant used the agreed safe gesture. The other person released the spreader immediately, knelt beside them, and checked if they were okay. His voice became gentle and loving, as if he snapped out of his role in a split second.
During the break, I watched a submissive ask her dominant partner to order a highly customized Starbucks drink for delivery. He happily placed the order and surprised her with a cake pop. After the break, this couple returned to their roles. She became the “standard sub” again, but I did not see weakness. I saw enjoyment and relief, as though she had temporarily put down the stress of daily life.

What Are Dominance and Submission?

A dominant person is not automatically controlling in daily life. A submissive person is not automatically timid or powerless.

A top performs an activity, while a bottom receives it. Those terms do not always describe a wider power relationship. A switch may enjoy more than one role. Even when one person appears to surrender control, they keep the right to pause, change direction, or stop completely.

Why Are People Drawn to BDSM?

From my research and observations, there are so many reasons people are drawn to BDSM. Some examples include:

relief from everyday decisions or responsibilities (read Ash’s story);
novelty and excitement;
trust and emotional closeness;
intense physical sensations;
roleplay and fantasy;
structure and ritual;
the pleasure of giving or surrendering control;
feeling cared for, seen or temporarily free from stress.

Sometimes the explanation is much simpler: it feels natural and yummy to that person.

One study found changes in reported relationship closeness around consensual sadomasochistic scenes, particularly when participants felt the scene had gone well. That is interesting. However, this study is relatively small, with 58 sadomasochistic practitioners, and the science is still developing. Further analysis is warranted before we can conclude that BDSM is contributing to positive relationships and hormonal changes.

Healthy BDSM and Abuse Are Not the Same

The clearest difference is mutual, informed and reversible consent.
Healthy BDSM requires people to discuss what they want, what they might consider, what they do not want and what could create a physical or emotional risk. Consent must be freely given, specific, and reversible.

A safeword or safe gesture must be respected immediately. Nobody should be punished, shamed or manipulated, for using it.

Abuse is marked by fear, coercion, intimidation, isolation, secrecy, manipulation, or exploitation. Calling something “BDSM” does not transform abuse into consent.

Researchers Chelsea Dunkley and Dr. Lori Brotto have proposed that the explicit approach to consent practised in BDSM communities may offer a useful model for broader conversations about sexual consent.

I agree. Healthy BDSM requires and thrives on good communication. In fact, this should be the foundation of all types of sexual practices and relationship-building.

How Should a Beginner Explore BDSM?

Begin with curiosity, not performance. Do not try to recreate pornography or a dramatic movie scene. Those images are designed for visual effect and rarely show the negotiation, preparation, and trust behind them.

All BDSM practices start with communication. Velora’s blog How to Talk about Kinks With Your Partners Without Fear of Judgement provides practical techniques to open up this communication.

For tips regarding the actual practice, you may refer to Velora’s BDSM Healthy Practice Checklist, Yes No Maybe List for People-Pleasers and the Velora BDSM Framework for a comprehensive guide. Below are some snippets from these blogs.

Discuss your yes, no and maybe interests.
Agree on a safeword and a nonverbal safe gesture.
Disclose relevant physical or emotional concerns.
Choose one low-intensity activity.
Decide how you will check in.
Plan what comfort or aftercare may be wanted afterward.

A first experience might involve playful commands, dirty talk, a comfortable blindfold, gentle sensory play, or soft, purpose-made quick-release cuffs.

Keep it brief and low-pressure.

Afterward, reconnect. That may mean tea, a snack, a blanket, cuddling, or simply asking, “What did you enjoy? Was anything uncomfortable? What should we change next time?”

Aftercare is not only for the submissive or bottom. Tops and dominants may also need reassurance.

What I Have Learned About BDSM Products

Through Velora, I have learned that quality affects more than appearance. A prior blog “Best Beginner BDSM Kit for a Confident Start” provides good recommendations if you are choosing your first kit.

For more experienced practitioners, below is some feedback provided by people who explained their criteria for a good BDSM product.

We gifted several Velora kits to BDSM-aware therapists who won them in a raffle at a wellness event in Toronto. One practitioner who received the Moonlight Treasure Kit later told us that its modular design offered endless possibilities for build-your-own adventures. The kit included straps, rings, buckles, and sensory accessories that could be connected in a variety of configurations. In her words, “One kit equals 20 kits.”

Another customer loved the discretion and craftsmanship of one of our larger kits. She commented on how elegant and unassuming the suitcase looked, how comfortably the blindfold fit, and how easily the ropes could be released without causing friction. Its ergonomic design allowed her to focus on the sensory experience without feeling intimidated. She also appreciated a small but memorable detail: the clicking sound of the belt, which added another layer to the sensory play.

My View Today

BDSM is not for everyone, and nobody needs to try it to be open-minded or sexually confident.

But curiosity about BDSM does not make someone damaged, dangerous, or abnormal. A research review found BDSM-related fantasies to be common (40% to 70% in both males and females), while participation is less common (20%) than fantasy but still far from rare.

What matters is not whether an experience looks vanilla or kinky from the outside. What matters is how the people inside it are treated, and how they feel.

Consent and respect are at the centre of healthy BDSM practice. In fact, they should be at the centre of all sexual practices and relationships.

Sources and Further Reading

Holvoet, L., Huys, W., Coppens, V., Seeuws, J., Goethals, K., & Morrens, M. (2017). Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The prevalence of BDSM-related fantasies and activities in the general population. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 14(9), 1152–1159. DOI: 10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.07.003.
Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2018). Clinical considerations in treating BDSM practitioners: A review. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(7), 701–712. DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2018.1451792.
Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2020). The role of consent in the context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse, 32(6), 657–678. DOI: 10.1177/1079063219842847.
Brown, A., Barker, E. D., & Rahman, Q. (2020). A systematic scoping review of the prevalence, etiological, psychological, and interpersonal factors associated with BDSM. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(6), 781–811. DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619.
Sagarin, B. J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., Lawler-Sagarin, K. A., & Matuszewich, L. (2009). Hormonal changes and couple bonding in consensual sadomasochistic activity. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38(2), 186–200. DOI: 10.1007/s10508-008-9374-5

Frequently Asked Questions About BDSM

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an overlapping acronym for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It can include many different activities, from blindfolds and playful instructions to restraint, sensation play, impact play, or a negotiated exchange of power.

Not everyone who enjoys BDSM is interested in every part of it. Someone may enjoy bondage but dislike pain, while another person may enjoy roleplay without wanting physical restraint.

Is BDSM the same as abuse?

No. Healthy BDSM and abuse are not the same.

Healthy BDSM is based on freely given, informed, ongoing, and reversible consent. The people involved discuss their interests, limits, risks, safewords, and ways to stop before an activity begins.

Abuse involves coercion, fear, intimidation, manipulation, or the violation of another person’s boundaries. Calling abusive behaviour “BDSM” does not make it consensual.

Is BDSM normal?

BDSM-related interests and fantasies are more common than many people realize. Having a fantasy about restraint, power exchange, roleplay, or intense sensation does not mean someone is damaged or abnormal.

At the same time, nobody needs to enjoy BDSM to be sexually confident or open-minded. It is simply one of many ways consenting adults may choose to explore intimacy.

Can a submissive person stop a BDSM scene?

Yes. A submissive person always retains the right to pause, change direction, or stop completely.

Agreeing to submit does not mean giving up the right to withdraw consent. A safeword or agreed-upon safe gesture should be respected immediately, without punishment, resentment, or pressure.

Dominants and tops may also stop a scene if they feel uncomfortable, notice a safety concern, or no longer wish to continue.

What is the difference between a dominant, a submissive, a top, and a bottom?

A dominant takes an agreed leadership or controlling role within a power-exchange dynamic, while a submissive agrees to follow or surrender some control within negotiated limits.

A top performs an activity, while a bottom receives it. These terms often describe what someone is doing during a particular scene rather than their broader relationship role.

A person may also be a switch, meaning they enjoy more than one role depending on the partner, activity, or situation.

What is a safeword?

A safeword is a word chosen in advance to communicate that an activity needs to slow down, pause, or stop.

Some people use a traffic-light system:

“Green” means everything feels good.
“Yellow” means slow down, check in, or reduce the intensity.
“Red” means stop immediately.

A nonverbal safe gesture should also be agreed upon when someone may be unable to speak clearly because of a gag, position, noise, or emotional intensity.

What is aftercare in BDSM?

Aftercare is the support and reconnection that may happen after a BDSM scene. It can include cuddling, water, food, a blanket, quiet conversation, reassurance, or simply spending time together.

Aftercare needs vary from person to person. Some people want physical closeness, while others prefer space.

It is also important to remember that aftercare is not only for submissives or bottoms. Dominants and tops may also feel emotionally or physically vulnerable after an intense experience.

How can a beginner explore BDSM safely?

Begin slowly and focus on communication rather than performance.
Discuss your yes, no, and maybe interests before starting. Agree on a safeword and a nonverbal safe gesture. Disclose any relevant injuries, medical concerns, emotional triggers, or mobility limitations.

Choose one low-intensity activity for your first experience, such as playful commands, dirty talk, a comfortable blindfold, gentle sensory play, or purpose-made quick-release cuffs.

Keep the experience brief and check in afterward. Ask what felt good, what felt uncomfortable, and what you would change next time.

Do you need special equipment to try BDSM?

No. Some BDSM activities involve specialized equipment, but many begin with communication, imagination, roleplay, or verbal instructions.

When equipment is used, quality and safety matter. Products should be appropriate for their intended purpose, comfortable against the body, easy to release, and inspected before use.

Avoid improvising with household items that may tighten unexpectedly, damage circulation, irritate the skin, or become difficult to remove.

Can BDSM improve trust or intimacy?

For some people, BDSM can create feelings of trust, closeness, excitement, or emotional release. Negotiating boundaries and checking in carefully may also encourage more open communication.

However, BDSM does not automatically improve a relationship. It works best when trust, honesty, respect, and communication are already being actively practised.
BDSM should never be used to repair abuse, pressure a reluctant partner, or avoid unresolved relationship problems.