Can Sexual Orientation Be Changed? A Guide for Parents
TL;DR
Sexual orientation is a pattern of attraction, not something a school, parent, or lesson can create.
Inclusive education can reduce prejudice and help students feel safer; evidence does not show that it changes a student’s sexual orientation.
Pressure, shame, and conversion practices do not reliably change attraction and can cause serious psychological harm.
Parents do not need to understand everything immediately. Listening, learning, and protecting a child from rejection can make a profound difference.
What Is Sexual Orientation?
Sexual orientation describes a person's pattern of emotional, romantic or sexual attraction. It may be expressed through identity, relationships or behaviour, although these do not always align perfectly. Some people know their orientation early. Others understand it gradually, and some experience fluidity over time.
Sexual orientation is not a school lesson, a trend or a behaviour that another person can simply install or remove.
Can Acceptance Make a Heterosexual Child Gay?
A few years ago, a large protest took place in the Greater Toronto Area over discussions of gender and sexual identity in school curricula. Some groups demonstrated against what they called “indoctrination.”
Similar protests occur from time to time. We understand why some parents feel nervous when schools discuss sexual orientation. Parents want to protect their children, and unfamiliar subjects can create fear. However, there is no good scientific evidence that teaching students that gay, lesbian, and bisexual people are part of human diversity turns otherwise heterosexual students gay or bisexual. A randomized study involving 20 U.S. high schools found that an LGBTQ-inclusive sexual-health curriculum reduced homophobic and transphobic beliefs, especially among heterosexual and cisgender students. It reduced prejudice; it did not show that the curriculum changed students’ sexual orientation.
A more accepting environment can change what young people recognize, disclose, or call themselves. When stigma declines, more young people may identify as LGBTQ+. That does not mean schools created new attractions. It may mean fewer young people feel forced to hide or use a label that does not fit.
Can Pressure Make a Gay Person Heterosexual?
Pressure can change what a person says or does. It can force someone to hide or deny their feelings, date or marry someone of another sex, or perform a life that others find acceptable. It does not reliably change genuine attraction.
Research reviews and major professional organizations reject conversion practices as ineffective and potentially harmful. Shame, punishment, and forced denial are associated with anxiety, depression, trauma, and a greater risk of self-harm or suicidal behaviour.
Changing outward behaviour is not the same as changing who someone is.
A Story We Have Not Forgotten
In Velora's previous article, we described a young gay man who was humiliated and bullied at school. His distress became so severe that he experienced suicidal thoughts. His mother's acceptance did not make him gay. It helped him survive, move forward, and eventually build a confident life with a loving partner.
We hear stories like his from time to time, and they break our hearts. The greatest danger was never his orientation. It was the cruelty, loneliness, and shame surrounding it.
What Freud's 1935 Letter Still Teaches Us
In 1935, Professor Sigmund Freud wrote to a mother who was worried about her gay son. He told her that homosexuality was not a vice, a form of degradation, or an illness, and that persecuting homosexual people was cruel. For his time, that message was remarkably humane.
His 1935 letter is filled with compassion. Today, in 2026, we are more advanced in almost every aspect of life, yet we are still struggling to recognize that sexual orientation is not a choice.
We should also acknowledge the limits of his era. Freud described homosexuality using theories of “arrested” development and suggested that change might sometimes occur. That explanation is outdated and inconsistent with modern scientific understanding.
What We Hope Parents Remember
Your child does not need you to understand everything immediately. They need you to pause before reacting, continue learning, and protect them from humiliation.
Acceptance is not an instruction to become gay. It is an assurance that, whatever your child comes to understand about themselves, they will remain loved and will not have to face it alone.
Freud's Letter to a Mother
Transcript
The transcript below preserves the historical wording. Some terminology and explanations are outdated and would not normally be used today.
April 9th 1935
PROF. DR. FREUD
Dear Mrs [Erased],
I gather from your letter that your son is a homosexual. I am most impressed by the fact that you do not mention this term yourself in your information about him. May I question you why you avoid it?
Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them. (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime - and a cruelty, too. If you do not believe me, read the books of Havelock Ellis.
By asking me if I can help, you mean, I suppose, if I can abolish homosexuality and make normal heterosexuality take its place. The answer is, in a general way we cannot promise to achieve it. In a certain number of cases we succeed in developing the blighted germs of heterosexual tendencies, which are present in every homosexual; in the majority of cases it is no more possible. It is a question of the quality and the age of the individual.
The result of treatment cannot be predicted.
What analysis can do for your son runs on a different line. If he is unhappy, neurotic, torn by conflicts, inhibited in his social life, analysis may bring him harmony, peace of mind, full efficiency, whether he remains a homosexual or gets changed.
If you make up your mind he should have analysis with me - I don't expect you will - he has to come over to Vienna. I have no intention of leaving here. However, don't neglect to give me your answer.
Sincerely yours with best wishes,
Freud
P.S. I did not find it difficult to read your handwriting. Hope you will not find my writing and my English a harder task.
How Velora Is Determined to Help
If you are experiencing difficulties related to your sexual orientation, we will listen to your story and consider providing free support, including free sex toys, free or heavily discounted classes with a certified sex therapist. Please contact us here. We may not be able to provide assistance to everyone who reaches out, but we will do our best within our capabilities.
A Note About Support
This article mentions bullying, conversion practices, and suicidal distress. Anyone who feels unsafe or may be at immediate risk should contact local emergency services or an appropriate crisis-support service. No one should have to face rejection or despair alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can learning about LGBTQ+ people change a child’s sexual orientation?
No. Learning that LGBTQ+ people exist or discussing sexual orientation in school does not create same-sex attraction. Inclusive education helps students understand human diversity and can reduce prejudice.
Why do more young people identify as LGBTQ+ today?
Several factors may affect how people describe themselves, including greater awareness, broader language, and less fear of disclosure. An increase in identification does not prove that schools or media created the underlying attraction.
Can sexual orientation change over time?
Some people experience changes in how they understand, label, or experience attraction. That kind of personal fluidity is different from another person deliberately teaching, forcing, or treating someone into a different orientation.
What should I do if my child tells me they may be gay or bisexual?
Pause before reacting. Listen, reassure them that they are loved, ask what support they need, and learn from reliable medical and psychological sources. Protect them from bullying, humiliation, and pressure to change.
Are conversion practices effective?
Research reviews and major professional organizations do not consider conversion practices a reliable way to change sexual orientation. These practices can be harmful, particularly when they involve shame, coercion, or rejection.
Sources
- Carter, Adam. “Thousands Gather in GTA for Protests over Gender, Sexual Identity in School Curriculum, 1 Arrested.” CBC News, September 20, 2023.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/gta-sexual-education-protests-1.6972566
- Kesler, Kari, et al. “High School FLASH Sexual Health Education Curriculum: LGBTQ Inclusivity Strategies Reduce Homophobia and Transphobia.” Prevention Science, vol. 24, suppl. 2, 2023, pp. 272–282.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s11121-023-01517-1
- American Psychological Association. “Understanding Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality.” 2008.
https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation
- Goldfarb, Eva S., and Lisa D. Lieberman. “Three Decades of Research: The Case for Comprehensive Sex Education.” Journal of Adolescent Health, vol. 68, no. 1, 2021, pp. 13–27.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2020.07.036
- Cornell University, What We Know Project. “What Does the Scholarly Research Say About Whether Conversion Therapy Can Alter Sexual Orientation Without Causing Harm?”
https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-whether-conversion-therapy-can-alter-sexual-orientation-without-causing-harm/
- Meanley, Steven, et al. “Lifetime Exposure to Conversion Therapy and Psychosocial Health Among Midlife and Older Adult Men Who Have Sex With Men.” The Gerontologist, vol. 60, no. 7, 2020, pp. 1291–1302.
https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/gnaa069
- American Psychiatric Association. “Position Statement on Conversion Therapy and LGBTQ Patients.” Updated 2024.
https://www.psychiatry.org/about-apa/policy-finder/position-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-lgbtq
- Freud, Sigmund. “A Letter on Homosexuality.” April 9, 1935. Sigmund Freud Papers, Manuscript Division, Library of Congress.
https://www.loc.gov/item/mss3999002096/
- Velora Intima. “What Is Sexuality? It Is So Much More Than Sex.”
https://velora-intima.com/blogs/news/sexual-orientation-guide-for-parents
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